Hi there, consumer! It’s Danny! From the Make a Wish Foundation! Aren’t chores just a bitch? We the good people at Make a Wish sure think so, which is why we present you Make My Wish: Diseased Kids to do Thine Bidding!
Take Cody, here, for example. Cody is nine years old, hails from Grand Rapids, Michigan, absolutely loves Sesame Street and, best of all, actually has meningitis. Gone unnoticed and untreated for just long enough, the disease permanently damaged Cody’s nerve and brain cells and have brought him all the closer to his untimely death. Of course, this could have easily been avoided had his parents not refused the widely available, affordable, and universally recommended vaccination, but oh well. For just the price of a few cups of coffee an hour, you’ll have the opportunity to bring this shining star in God’s blooper reel back home to do practically anything you’d like! Be it gardening, housekeeping, or straight up using him as a Swiffer Sweeper Dry Sweeping Pad™, he couldn’t care less! Or at all! Because of the meningitis!
Not interested? Fine. Consider Jessica, instead. At just fourteen years old, Jessica has defied all odds and is in the late stages of a resigned fight against terminal dorudocyclenses. Rather than invite teenage heartthrob Noah Centineo to her deathbed, her parents ensured her last moments would be spent toothpicking the gunk out of your crusty xbox controllers, her I.V. bag limp on your linoleum floor. (That’s right, parents! No need to wallow over your money grubbing infected child anymore, mooching, begging you to pay for this or that medical bill with your hard earned money. Now you can turn that ungrateful little eggcorn of a human being into profit!)
We here at Make My Wish understand that these generic, do-what-you-will kids aren’t for everyone. We know our most esteemed clients are looking for something… a little bit more particular, but no less valid of course. That is why we are proud to introduce Jacob. Jacob is part of the unlucky motley crew of unwell misfits we here at Make my Wish have put together. Jacob, at the ripe old age of seven, has juvenile idiopathic arthritis. This Benjamin Button freak’s inflammatory autoimmune rheumatoidal disease means he suffers from terrible, and constant, joint pain and swelling. You might think, what does this have to do with me? Well, if you’re willing to splurge a little, we can send you Jacob for any major holiday that revolves around the use of firecrackers. For $250 an hour you can just grab him by his little breadstick legs, swing him around your head, and rejoice as the sounds of hundreds of joints popping fill your room with the spirit of the holidays. When he goes limp, and his merry symphony of snaps, crackles, and pops reaches its final resolution, worry not! We have Timmy right there, ready to take over.
Look. I get it. This is awful. I know that. But it’s MY ass on the line here, okay? Not yours. All these goddamn shareholders with their “Danny, our funds are running low!” “Danny, we can’t afford to get all these big shot celebrities anymore!” “Danny, you can’t please your wife!” So I say FINE! GOD. And I find a way! Now profits are booming, people are generally happy… It’s gonna be okay, Danny.
Shut up and spend, sicko.