If you’re reading this, it means that you are about to embark on an exciting adventure with your siblings and parents, and potentially every other family member who vividly remembers that phase you went through where you dyed all your clothes black in the bath tub. Congratulations! You are part of a family functional enough that your parents don’t jet off leaving you with Katie the babysitter who invites her boyfriend over after you pretend to go to bed.
Your Instagram feed is going to be awesome by the end of the next seven days (Trust me — followers love Europe pix). With the help of these unspoken rules you will be set up to have the most successful family vacation one can hope for.*
1. Demand to check bags.
Your mom will really insist that she believes the family can “just carry-on.” This is a trap. It will lead her to be incredibly stressed when the flight to Switzerland is very full (surprise!) and you will be mad when your 2oz. Victoria’s Secret body spray is deemed too dangerous to fly with.
2. Ask, “what time do we want to walk out the door?”
On the morning that you leave, your father will walk into your room somewhere upwards of fifty times asking if you’re all set to go. Ask what time he “would like to get out the door,” and when he comes in on that fifty-first time you can snap back, “Did I not tell you I would be ready and out the door by 9:30?” (with attitude). He might be mad that you used that tone with him, but he was being annoying so you can call that a win.
3. Do NOT ask what time the flight is when you’re stuck in traffic on the FDR.
Your mom will answer “soon” in that bone-chillingly despondent tone of hers and it will set a horrible mood for the rest of the car ride. In this situation, remember that it really doesn’t matter what time the flight is. If you really care, you can use your millennial super powers that only your generation was born with and google “American Airlines flight to Geneva.” Your parents paid $35,000 a semester for that artsy independent high school to teach you what deductive skills are, so put their money to good use to deduce which flight is yours.
4. Choose a movie on the plane with the least amount of sex scenes.
When it’s five a.m. on the plane and you’re crammed in the middle seat on a five person row, the last thing your dad wants is to look over and see you sitting rapt while Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson get it on in that new 50 Shades of Grey movie.
5. Don’t punch your brother
It doesn’t matter if he’s three. Don’t punch him. It will seriously damage your argument that you are maturing and therefore should have a later curfew.
Want more? Make sure to download the rest of our Unspoken Rules™ Series while you’re still on WiFi and not racking up $500 charges on your International Data Plan. You might enjoy:
● The Unspoken Rules of Family Vacation: Second Half of the Flight
● The Unspoken Rules of Family Vacation: Hotel Rooms With Siblings
● The Unspoken Rules of Family Vacation: Vacation Is For Sleeping Not For 8am Walking Tours With Your Dad
● The Unspoken Rules of Family Vacation: Packing Up, Heading Home
● Resisting the Building Urge to Kill Your Kid Brother